Archive for December 27, 2007
the lesson of my life
Posted in random on December 27, 2007 by iylinot
this day five years ago is the day that everyday i wished never happened. five years now, it still feels quite fresh in my mind. like it just happened not too long ago. it’s something that have cut a deep deep wound inside me, leaving me an inivisible scar probably for life. something that have made me what i am today, in one way or another. the way i think, the way i feel towards certain people, and probably my perspective towards friendships, bgr, love, marriage, yadayada and most importantly, something you’d call…. Trust.
no link you say, but try this. how would you feel if someone you trust betray you. if someone you treasure disappoint you time and again. something you thought would last… well,… didn’t. it makes you realise how big a facade everything probably was. all the stupid fake front they put up. all the empty promises and false hopes. hypocrites. hypocrites. hypocrites. so full of it.
what happened that particular day is still fresh in my mind. we (me bro sis and the cousins) went to watch LIKE MIKE at woodlands. then the phone call. then the suspense. then by the time when we got back, the relatives was there. even nenek was there…. crying. so…. surreal. a lot of them lot was crying openly. puffy eyes. teary-eyed. god, horrible. they made us kids sit and lock ourselves in the room. apparently, so that we couldn’t hear the adults talk. how dumb, i thought. i could hear every bloody single thing. -.- what followed the next few days, i can only vaguely remember. all i remembered is just me and yani not sleeping in the room alone anymore. we’ve got company. bro was going through a phase of his life, sometimes rebelling. trying to push through his last year of secondary school life. his bloody Os. the counsellor he sees. worst period of my life, i swear.
wenling was the first friend i told. right at the back of science lab (boring), singing SwingSwing, and i decided to break the news (anticlimax i know). i didn’t cry at all, cos it hadn’t really sink into me. i laughed it off. and she made me feel really really better :):):) i didn’t really plan on telling anyone else then, but on the day i was moving out, shits happen and i was bawling my eyes out, and yani got freaked out by me, so she cried too, so i called yana:) and i met her the next day and a long long talk. somehow, i convinced myself, everything was going to be alright?.. yeah. and then, somehow, shar my friend who reads me easily, confronted me. and i told her all over again. and then, wah, whatever followed then is just history babe.
but what remains, is a new Me. i don’t know what got into me. i just wanted to prove myself to everyone. that i wasn’t affected by it. i’ll just move on, maybe this time, with more caution. somehow, i got through secondary school life. friends aplenty, but only a few of them, close. sharing my life just seemed a big deal to me. it’s not about trust. i trust them all the same. my sec sch life was one of the best for me, but somehow, i just build a fence around me. opening up was never the option.. yeah. sec sch was my most active days. teachers know my issues. i got away from home as often as i could. camps. chiangmai. sleepover in school even when there wasn’t a need to. HAHHAAHAHA THAT WAS MEMORABLE I SWEAR. that time when me, nis, fas, farh and kim got scolded by mdm ash cos we wanted to sleepover during the new batch sec 1 orientation for FUN. (and we got our way somehow!) HAHHAHA that was the best (: okay talking about guides make me miss those times. so lets not senget.
anyway, point is, just a lot of things happen. it sucks but somehow, i survived. We survived. friends and family are my motivation and i thank god for them. really.
and Jc life comes, and opening up was much easier though there were still some reservations. man, JC life opened a lot of things for me. friends are different. i shared a lot with certain friends. tell it to most of my secondary school friends, they’d be surprised- she’s finally sharing!!!! though not up to expectation haha. -.- anywayyy, somehow maybe, in Jc, we’re communicating in a more mature level, or so it seems. until it get complicated and i get hurt all over again. trust so much and get hurt again. how familiar. like you thought this person is The friend you can count on and it’s all done and over. and you get disappointed. and the same feeling comes all over again. the exact feeling five years ago. and it makes you feel so so so tired.
AND HAHAHHAHAHA, THIS IS LIFE PEOPLE!
we learn a lot of things. and it makes you a new and better person each day.
and you know what, this exact day five years ago is the day that taught me most.
for that, let us celebrate.
not for the bad experience and hurt that have been inflicted on my dear ones,but for the good that comes with it. for all the great things we get in return. for the true colours of the people i get to see. for the friends that sticked with me throughout. for the true meaning of family love i never felt before it happen.
so i thank you, dear god, for that.
