rainy days seems to be making me much more emotional than my crazily calm appearance.
today, i thought about a lot of things. something unmaterialistic, deep, meaningful and still, complicated; works as an endorphin and still be hurtful at the same time. i thought about a lot of things around me, the people who was, is and Might be in my life. those who left, those who didn’t. sometimes i wonder if they have these moments too. if they too think about me like i am, thinking about them. how they have been doing, how’s their school, how’s their daily life, if they met someone new, if they had a haircut, or watched the latest movie that i watched. i think about all this even into the minute detail, i wonder if they did the same about me too. i wonder if they met another crazy haired friend, daughter, cousin or niece who does stupid things like i do, saying lame things like i do, or getting awkward sometimes for no reason, like i do.
i feel insecure about a lot of things. i’m afraid. i’m not afraid of not winning, but i’m afraid of losing. i’m afraid of losing people i love. people i’ve accustomed to. people i’m emotionally attached to. i’m afraid of feeling lost. i’m afraid of getting lost. getting lost in the world that i’ve built these past few months. things and people i’ve protect and surround myself with, i’m afraid of losing them. and the superficial things that i’ve indulge myself in, to protect myself from the pain of reality, i’m afraid that when reality hits me hard one day, i’ll be lost. i’m afraid that even the wall i’ve built wouldn’t be able to withold these reality.
save me, i feel lost. there’s a line that divides me from reality. from the people i’m dying to open up to, but too scared to lose. and i’m afraid to cross this line. because if i do, there’s so many people i have to face. so many emotions i have to deal with. so many feelings involved it’ll hurt.
what should i do? cross the line, or build a wall? i’m lost. i’m afraid i’ll lose in the end.
